A New Mother: Deprogramming + Nurturing Me

“Being a mother means being catapulted into ancient secrets. Birthing a child means the opening of gates.”

.

.

Your subconscious mind is the most powerful presence that exists. It is directly linked to the spirit, and it is formed to present internal dualities, to assist you in your alchemical process, and the culmination of light.  It guides you in the experience of yourself.  It forms your entire reality.

.

.

And guess who is the primary programer?  Your mother.  We don’t realize how much of her being we internalize and make our own. To program, she uses three main tools:

.

.

– Trauma: a deeply disturbing event that you perceive as life threatening, matched with inappropriate care + nurturing afterwards

.

– Symbols: a mark or character used as a conventional representation of an object, function, or process

.

– Repetition: the action of repeating something that has already been said or written

.

.

.

My Story

My mother was a monster in the eyes of my small self.  She was a monster I wanted to save.  I knew that she loved me, and I also knew that she was experiencing constant chaos, swirls of danger that even I couldn’t rescue her from.  I knew that she was being abused. I knew that she was allowing it to happen.  I knew she worked long into the night.  I knew she lost babies. I knew that she felt she deserved it. I knew that she was sad and overwhelmed with her life, + its unfoldment.  And I was sad that I couldn’t be enough to warrant her love + her affection, her leaving these toxic situations, her healing + becoming healthy in herself.

.

Her embracing her right mind.

.

There wasn’t a time in my life where I didn’t experience the longing to be a mother.  Part of this is who I am.  The other part was a desperate ache to fill the void my own mother left, but more importantly to meet myself in a way I never got the opportunity to. 

.

As a child, I would play and play.  I would play house forever if I could. To nurture was to be whole, was to create a story I could be a part of.  One that I could feel.  It took me a very long time to admit that I wasn’t the mother I thought I was.

.

I was selfish, and unreliable.

I was distant and untrustworthy.

I was ashamed and broken.

This was long before I had babies of my own.

This was my experience in mothering myself.

.

I came to a place in my life, where my emotions began to drown my physical body.  I couldn’t continue ignoring the depth that I saw, on a daily basis.  I cried and I wrote, I sulked and I burned.  I went as deep as I could possibly go, without a reflection.  I forgave and I forgave and I forgave again.  Because I needed to release myself from the inadequacy that I knew, due to my own expectations.  I needed to drop my mother’s weight, and come into who I WAS as an entire being, outside of her + anything I internalized from that relationship.

.

But it wasn’t until I began to nurture my first baby, Alex, that I also began to see how deeply embedded her patterns were within me.

Alex and I had a deeply beautiful bond.  It was strong.  Nothing like I’ve experienced with a child before.  We did everything together.  Cooking, playing, painting, swimming, every park I can think of, we explored.  We went on adventures and we practiced gentleness.  But I began to notice that when he would cry and cry and cry, because he was afraid of the bathtub, or the swing, or the toy, I would get so internally frustrated.  I would encourage him to face his fears and I would push and push and push.

.

And then I would break.

.

Sometimes that meant yelling, sometimes it meant taking space, but I knew in those moments, that what I was feeling was wrong.  I felt guilt and I felt shame for all of it, but it also felt so uncontrollable.  Little did I know, I was allowing the shame and the guilt to control me. It was deeply conditioned in my mind to not only believe that children should be dependent on their parent to know they’re safe, but also that I should be able to meet his every need.  And when he cried and he screamed, it stripped that power from me and made me feel so small and inadequate.  And fearful.

.

I never wanted him to feel unsafe with me, but in those moments that I tried so hard to prove to him that he was physically safe, I was only affirming the fact that he wasn’t, emotionally.

Because I was not ALLOWING.  I wasn’t giving him a safe space to express and release his fears, when they seemed to be irrational to me.  There were plenty of times that I gave him comfort and security when I viewed the fear was valid.  And looking in retrospect, I wasn’t practicing empathy in ALL realms, in ALL aspects.  I wasn’t seeing him as a great spirit in need of “a container,” or a safe space. I saw him as being attention-seeking + unusually discontent.  But that was so far from the truth.

.

I wish I had known then what I know now.  And I wish I would have given him EVERYTHING that was good for him EVERY SINGLE TIME.  But I had to learn.  We both did.  I will forever be grateful for what he has shown me about who I am, and about what needed to be undone inside of me.

Shortly after the birth of River, I began studying various parenting techniques, ones that would provide me with structure, support, and solace.  I found gentle parenting.  This method also was accompanied by steps. Listen + Assess. Talk. Empathize. Reconnect.  Even still, I began repeating some of the same methods of control with River.  River was less water + more fire.  He has quite a ferocious temper, and a strong head. This exasperation was resurfacing and although it was a bit more mild, it was present.

.

.

I had to take apart:

– My need for control + perfection

– The ideas I held surrounding being a good mother

– My own feelings of shame + unworthiness

– My desire to give and produce everything my children need

– My fear of them not loving me

.

.

.

ALL of this work had nothing to do with my children, and everything to do with me.  I had to ask myself WHY about EVERY thing, every thought, every word, every action.  It is a constant assessment and reflection about who I am and why I choose the actions that I do in each particular moment of frustration. I had to let go of so many limiting ideas and beliefs that were confining me, that were rooted in my subconscious:

“To be a good mother, your baby should always be happy and joyful.  That’s how you know you’re doing things right.  And if you’re not doing things right, shame shame shame on you.”

 

“I have to yell/pop River to ensure that he doesn’t do things that could potentially be harmful to himself or others.”

 

“I shouldn’t have popped River because that isn’t what good mothers do.  I feel so guilty and ashamed and now he won’t love me anymore.”

 

“I need to make sure River has everything he wants and needs at ALL times, how and when he wants it, so that he can be content, even if that means neglecting myself.”

–

I have now moved into spaces where I am non-reactive.  Because I have actively challenged these beliefs so much and so often, they don’t just appear anymore.  I’ve learned to separate myself from them, and find the root of what I truly, deeply believe. Which is:

–

“To be a good mother, focus on your joy.  This brings the willingness to explore theirs.  Embrace play.  Embrace rest.  Embrace the idea that you are a multifaceted being, who can be and do anything you desire.  Your desires are so, so deeply important.”

 

“I can release the idea that I need to protect River.  Although it is my duty to assist him in avoiding danger, I am not here to protect him.  That is damaging to the both of us.  He is a ancient spirit here to experience himself, in all of the ways that he needs to, and there is nothing I, nor anyone, can do to control/manipulate that.”

 

“I am allowed to take a step back when I react.  I am allowed a clean slate to start over.  I release the guilt and the shame that can consume me, and I forgive myself.  I love myself unconditionally no matter where I am today.”

 

“I prioritize my needs, even if that means being uncomfortable. Waking up earlier, wearing River on my back so that I can cook, turning on Backyardigans so that I can have a quick shower.  Holding him throughout the store so that we can get some shopping done.  I ensure that my basic needs are met, and right now, that’s enough.”

–

Whew.  I’m in tears right now because this isn’t over.  This work isn’t done.  I’ve made giant strides and I’ve already broken generation cycles of parenting from fear + control, but my work isn’t done.  It isn’t complete, + every day, I am mindful.  Every day, I am building my sisterhood, filled with women and mothers who love me and support me, and I, them.  Women who have dedicated their lives to this work of mindful parenting.  Shoutout to you (Kelley|IG: @peacefilledmama + Akilah |IG: @fareofthefreechild)!!  I’m grateful for you forever.) Every moment I am actively mothering, I am awake.  And I am being guided by spirit through this alchemical process.

.

.

You are not faced with challenges with the hope that you overcome.

You already have everything inside of you to overcome.

The Law of Duality states, you have no choice but to.

.

Still learning.  Still growing.  Still becoming.

.

I give myself permission to be reborn anew, day after day.